Razors: More than a mouse.

As a man there are certain things that just come with the territory.  How do you know when you've become a man? Well, there are many measures but none more official than that envelope you get when you turn 18. No, I'm not referring to selective service paperwork; I'm talking about the nice little gift that Gillette mails every red blooded American would-be man on the 18th anniversary of their existence. Mach3, oh how I loved you. You see, there are 3 blades creating the smoothest shave ever. As my patchy peach fuzzed face would soon realize however, 3 blades really aren't that great.

Look, I know what you're thinking. "Jesus Christ, Pat; we've all heard 100 different comedians do their "razor blade" bit about the numerous blade improvements. We've all seen SNL parody commercials of the same, get some new material already! Well, fair point but it merits a bit of coverage. It was this weekend, upon getting down to my last pack of replacement cartridges, that I realized how blatantly stupid we can be as a society.

Only humanity can be intelligent enough to solve a problem perfectly, then spend the next 200 years breaking it again in the name of protecting stupidity. 3 blades? 5? Maybe the new Gillette Mach52 Swiss Army Razor will be the answer? Allow me, dear reader, to share with you the future of shaving technology. A smooth perfect shave, every time, with low cost to boot!

1 Blade? Pffttttttt that won't lift my hairs slightly as it caresses my face to semi-smoothness! Begone!

It used to be, so I've been told, that a boy had to learn to shave with a straight razor.  It was part of a rite of passage along with learning to cook on a grill, not ask for directions, and belch your name. Here's my complaint humanity: You invented perfection years ago, but you got mad because it required some amount of care and thought be put into your appearance. Let's examine what's "wrong" with the straight razor and why I have to shell out $50 for a pack of razors to shave my face, creating a consumable and reappearing cost to my budget that used to be a one time investment.

• It's dangerous! People can cut themselves!
• It requires care and maintenance, rather than being disposable!
• Steve Jobs didn't invent it

To the first point, good.  You know what? I'm sick of being the only species on the planet that can scoff at a religious person for thinking evolution is wrong, while pushing ideals that support coddling anyone too stupid to not slit their own throat while shaving. Survival of the fittest you hippie Godless bastards. If some dumbass can't get through his morning shave without severing an artery, do you think he was going to go out and cure cancer at work? No, he was probably going to fuck up my combo order.  Stop saving stupid people from themselves, you're fucking up our gene pool. Do you know why we need entitlement programs? Because if you cannot avoid slicing your own throat in life, you should have died years ago. You should have went swimming with the hair dryer when you were 11 but we spared you that fate, now you get to smell bad next to me in Foodland, reading magazines in the checkout aisle knowing you'll just put it back after you get rung up, while I try to take out a small loan to buy another pack of razors.

Second point: care and maintenance.  Now if there's a place in my heart for your stupid regulations Humans than appealing to laziness is your meal ticket. So I don't have to clean, sharpen, or store a big unsanitary blade for cutting my face? Wonderful! I just get to pollute the world with THOUSANDS of smaller biohazards that are built to cut their way out of any bag you store them in for disposal! Seriously, this is why I hate you people. Sure, laziness is great. Having one less chore of sharpening my razor once a month for 10 minutes certainly frees up plenty of time to go out and earn a paycheck so that I can afford to go stand in line and shop for more disposable razors that are apparently made from only the highest grade Platinum straight from Kanye's grille...is it grille or grill?

I'm sick of losing value for stupid people.  Stupid people screw up everything for everyone. Stop encouraging them. If you see someone doing something blatantly stupid that might get them killed with a product, don't think "How can we prevent this from happening?" Think "Good. Go Nature, Go. Now my children have a chance to walk without scraping their knuckles because I didn't protect millions of people that would drink draino."