Razors: More than a mouse.

As a man there are certain things that just come with the territory.  How do you know when you've become a man? Well, there are many measures but none more official than that envelope you get when you turn 18. No, I'm not referring to selective service paperwork; I'm talking about the nice little gift that Gillette mails every red blooded American would-be man on the 18th anniversary of their existence. Mach3, oh how I loved you. You see, there are 3 blades creating the smoothest shave ever. As my patchy peach fuzzed face would soon realize however, 3 blades really aren't that great.

Look, I know what you're thinking. "Jesus Christ, Pat; we've all heard 100 different comedians do their "razor blade" bit about the numerous blade improvements. We've all seen SNL parody commercials of the same, get some new material already! Well, fair point but it merits a bit of coverage. It was this weekend, upon getting down to my last pack of replacement cartridges, that I realized how blatantly stupid we can be as a society.

Only humanity can be intelligent enough to solve a problem perfectly, then spend the next 200 years breaking it again in the name of protecting stupidity. 3 blades? 5? Maybe the new Gillette Mach52 Swiss Army Razor will be the answer? Allow me, dear reader, to share with you the future of shaving technology. A smooth perfect shave, every time, with low cost to boot!

1 Blade? Pffttttttt that won't lift my hairs slightly as it caresses my face to semi-smoothness! Begone!

It used to be, so I've been told, that a boy had to learn to shave with a straight razor.  It was part of a rite of passage along with learning to cook on a grill, not ask for directions, and belch your name. Here's my complaint humanity: You invented perfection years ago, but you got mad because it required some amount of care and thought be put into your appearance. Let's examine what's "wrong" with the straight razor and why I have to shell out $50 for a pack of razors to shave my face, creating a consumable and reappearing cost to my budget that used to be a one time investment.

• It's dangerous! People can cut themselves!
• It requires care and maintenance, rather than being disposable!
• Steve Jobs didn't invent it

To the first point, good.  You know what? I'm sick of being the only species on the planet that can scoff at a religious person for thinking evolution is wrong, while pushing ideals that support coddling anyone too stupid to not slit their own throat while shaving. Survival of the fittest you hippie Godless bastards. If some dumbass can't get through his morning shave without severing an artery, do you think he was going to go out and cure cancer at work? No, he was probably going to fuck up my combo order.  Stop saving stupid people from themselves, you're fucking up our gene pool. Do you know why we need entitlement programs? Because if you cannot avoid slicing your own throat in life, you should have died years ago. You should have went swimming with the hair dryer when you were 11 but we spared you that fate, now you get to smell bad next to me in Foodland, reading magazines in the checkout aisle knowing you'll just put it back after you get rung up, while I try to take out a small loan to buy another pack of razors.

Second point: care and maintenance.  Now if there's a place in my heart for your stupid regulations Humans than appealing to laziness is your meal ticket. So I don't have to clean, sharpen, or store a big unsanitary blade for cutting my face? Wonderful! I just get to pollute the world with THOUSANDS of smaller biohazards that are built to cut their way out of any bag you store them in for disposal! Seriously, this is why I hate you people. Sure, laziness is great. Having one less chore of sharpening my razor once a month for 10 minutes certainly frees up plenty of time to go out and earn a paycheck so that I can afford to go stand in line and shop for more disposable razors that are apparently made from only the highest grade Platinum straight from Kanye's grille...is it grille or grill?

I'm sick of losing value for stupid people.  Stupid people screw up everything for everyone. Stop encouraging them. If you see someone doing something blatantly stupid that might get them killed with a product, don't think "How can we prevent this from happening?" Think "Good. Go Nature, Go. Now my children have a chance to walk without scraping their knuckles because I didn't protect millions of people that would drink draino."

Platforming: Sans the double jump.

So after my last entry about our attention span abyss we've cultivated in this country, I thought I'd do future readers a quick service by bullet-pointing myself on a few key issues.  I'm sure over time I will expand on each of these numerous times, but it makes for a good starting point. I'm going to do one "platform" topic per blog entry.

• Tax Reform:  Tax Americans in the most efficient and fairest way possible for everyone involved: Consumption tax. We need a National Sales tax.  Property taxes, income taxes, estate taxes: These are all redundant taxes, creating undue burden on the economy and inefficient "profits' for the government. Marginal income tax rates are inherently biased, discriminatory, and open to widespread abuse. 

Example:

I'm everyone's favorite 4 person family example: husband, wife, 2 kids. Let's say mom and dad make about 75k a year total. 25% of that income is going to go away in the form of income tax. "But wait!" you chime, reminding me about deductions and exemptions. Of course, we're going to deduct a standard married deduction with 2 dependents. They would owe about $4400 in income taxes after deductions. Now in reality, they won't be cutting a check.  They likely will get a refund because throughout the year their employer withholds a certain amount from every check to pay Uncle Sam, and most people leave their withholding numbers a tad high to prevent owing taxes.  So in reality the IRS will spend a lot of resources mailing refund checks. Back to the point: Now this family goes out and spends their remaining 70ish thousand income on the various things they wish to purchase. Sounds pretty spiffy huh? I mean $4400 is a pretty small amount of taxes, percentage-wise, on 75k. Of course, they have deductions, make a modest income, and fall into a nice sweet-spot of our system.  Now let's say they take $5000 of that money to go spend at a store. Remember this money is "non qualified" meaning it has already been taxed. Ignoring local sales taxes for the moment, let's just assume they spend all $5000 buying widgets at Bob's SuperMart. Bob just made $5000 income. After his deductions, he will pay income tax on this at HIS level.  Then Bob spends his net gains buying new equipment for his store with his non qualified monies, and sure enough Jim's Wholesale Inc just made X amount of non qualified money they will pay income tax on. 

The moral of the story is this, every product you buy, every dollar you spend generate extra taxes for the government in the form of income tax for someone else.  The problem is that not only are you double, triple, and infinitupling (yeah, I made that up) the taxation of the same monies, but you are doing so in an inefficient, inaccurate way that ultimately passes the higher tax burden onto the working class.  As a small business owner, if I know I'm paying a higher rate of tax because of my income, I'm going to look for deductions. Deductions = cronyism and lobbyists pushing for obscure new legislation to sneak a break to their clients. Some deductions are fair, some are absurd, easily abused, and untraceable. The IRS spends about 12 billion a year to collect taxes, compared to the 3 trillion or so it brings in, this seems like a drop in the bucket. However, how many dollars are being taken from the government unfairly? How many countless deductions, exemptions, etc screw Uncle Sam out of what is rightfully his? We are given every incentive to avoid income taxes. 

Now how does all of this burden the working class? Because the wealthy are, on the whole, pretty smart folks. They usually get to their status by cutting deals, working efficiently, and knowing how to maximize performance and minimize expense. They can afford the crazy accountants that know every single way to get some bogus deduction.  The taxes they actually have to pay? Well those just get lumped into product cost anyway.  Now when that family feels all warm and fuzzy from their "low" tax burden of only $4400, they can expect to wonder why their dollars aren't going as far.  

Finally, marginal tax rates are inherently discriminating. Why should people who decide to marry pay a lesser tax burden than those that remain single? Why are your fellow Americans asked to shoulder the burden so you can have a kid? Why are your fellow Americans asked to pick up the tab because you had medical bills to write off? A more common complaint is that we are given a punishment for earning more in a capitalistic system...which is frankly bonkers.  There's this bizarre left-wing concept that the wealthy don't pay their fair share because they have so much money.  A doctor might make 500k a year. That's pretty damned good money to live on.  I think I could get by on that. However, (depending on the type obviously) he likely will take responsibility for the life and well being of many people in his time.  He may at some point hold the life of someone's child, brother, mother, and grandparent in his hands. A surgeon may be a slight twitch away from being a hero and a villain. 12 years of his/her life have went to studying, vast amounts of debts were likely accumulated with the hopes of this career paying off, with no guarantee that it would. Now you want to tell me that this guy should be punished for his investment paying off by paying a higher rate of tax than a guy who decided to make the biggest responsibility in his career whether or not he rung up someone's lunch order correctly? No one calls George up at 4am urgently screaming about "We need you here in 15 minutes or  people will die! Also, if you make the wrong decision you're going to lose everything you own and be unable to go back to work again."

Fair means fair.  Everyone pays the same rate, period. Tax reform not only will generate more money in the private sector, but for the government as well. Tax reform also has wonderful side effects in social equality.  Hard to complain about how the lack of gay marriage is limiting the rights of a couple when the incentive for married tax rates disappear. I realize there are many other facets to the overall issue, but that's one aspect gone with social cons having no real argument against it.   My next entry is going be be focused on a social issue so I'll save further talks on this portion of the topic for that.

All your tax are belong to us

One of the largest pools of disdain that I draw upon comes from the A.D.D nature of our society.  I'm not entirely immune to it myself, but we've become a culture that lives in 30 second bursts.  The presidential debates feed this, they are more about 1 liners, zingers, gotchas, and quotables than substance and ideas. We don't have fireside chats, we have tweets.  Politicians on both sides are guilty of this, as well as being victims of this. The brightest minds are often squelched because they can't sum up their ideas in easily digestible catch phrases.

As a Herman Cain fan, I was not surprised when his 9-9-9 plan caught on quickly. Above all merits of the plan, it was easy to remember.  Here Mr. Cain benefits from our soundbyte society.  People can chit chat about it at work the next day like it's an episode of Dancing with the Stars, then go on updating their facebook status.  Herman would soon learn what happens when you earn the spotlight though.  Seemingly baseless allegations allowed sex to be introduced to it, and we all know how much the media loves their sex stories.  Then it became time: Sarah Palin this guy and stat!

Libya.  A country that most Americans could not tell you where it is at on a map. Suddenly 40 years of success and achievement is undermined. A candidate is mocked as senile, out of touch, stupid, etc.  9 seconds folks.  I couldn't ask the majority of people what they had for breakfast and expect an accurate answer in 9 seconds.  Now the media and certain people would have you believe he is an unfit candidate.  I usually hear this from the same people who voted for Barack Obama to reform their healthcare system seemingly forgetting his 60 second shut down when his teleprompter went out and he couldn't think of the correct name for a child's inhaler.  We're not talking a technical and obscure medical term here. We're talking about an inhaler being called a breathalyzer. We have a vice president that is pretty much the biggest gaffe-factory in America.  I don't care about either of those things. I find Joe Biden to be a funny and likable guy, he just parrots for the wrong team. Obama is a generally charismatic guy and would make a wonderful spokesman for Coke or Pepsi, hell the Pepsi logo looks like it was planned for just such an approach.

Change:  With enough of it, you can quench your thirst today!

 So come on America, right or left why do we let any serious decision be influenced by a 30 second soundbyte.  Now if that soundbyte is "Boy, I tell you what...soon as i get into office I'm gonna see about killing all of those minorities." Then sure, I think it's fair to use that to help make a decision.  But can we please stop lying to ourselves that we are soooo much smarter than these candidates? I HATE when I hear someone say "OMG Sarah Palin is soooo stupid" or "OMG Barack Obama is so stupid!"  Whether you like it or not, GWB, Sarah Palin, Barack Obama, and just about every politician out there is smarter than the vast majority of us. They are achievers, they are typically college graduates and tops of their classes. They are typically successful business people, authors, physicians, etc. The stupid ones are the people who watch a 10 second clip on the internet, and make up their mind about someone they know nothing about based on those 10 seconds. Then, the best part, they go mouth off and spread their stupidity with others. Simply put, there is no one in this country that can survive the internet age of journalism if the media decides to focus its Sauron-like gaze upon them. So let's stop leaning on this pitiful crutch (omg you hate handicapped people!) as a reason to not really make smart and informed decisions.  But...you've got American Idol to get back to, the world economy on the brink of the disaster will have to wait. Besides, here's a viral clip of Barnie Frank stuttering like porky pig, he's so dumb.

 The author included, how many of us have zero shot at ever having anything close to a political career due to facebook, twitter, drunken moments, or any other facet of life where we actually lived? I'm 29 years old and have been self employed for almost 3 years, when i was a standard employee working for companies and a brief stint with public employment I'm sure I have 1-2 people that could have, if they wanted, filed some sort of grievance or charge against me. Not that I did anything wrong, but I'm sure according to someone I could have. I know many people who have been victims of grievance processes/harassment charges being frivolously brought up to fight a valid firing, suspension, lack of promotion etc. So why do we suddenly expect a high profile person to survive this huge level of dirt digging, non-stop badgering and strings of interviewers asking every question they can think of with the hopes of tripping them up. You have both sides looking for any slight miscue, while all lying to each other and pretending they want someone with "real" answers.  No you don't America. You want someone that can read a teleprompter, tell you how awesome you are, and do so in quick bursts of media-friendly perfection.

Pepsi is pretty strict about its airtime it allows these silly politicians to steal from the more important messages.

Super Mario was an Illegal Alien

Officer: "Hey there pal, what's your name?"

Mario: "It's a me, Mario!"

Officer: "You got a last name, Mario?"

Mario: "It's a....Mario too"

Officer: "Mario...Mario?"

Mario: "ci"

Officer: "Si?"

Mario: "ci"

Officer: "Alright Mario Mario, why don't you come with me."


I'll be honest, immigration topics don't hit home here very well. We're in WV; a state losing population as its youth flees the state like a flood of rats leaving a sinking ship. Let's face it, there's no "jorbs" here for anyone to take. So I suppose any opinion i have on the matter may be a bit distanced and seem preachy given my lack of firsthand experience...but here goes.

It's a very simple concept folks: We have legal paths to citizenship in this country. They are clearly defined and we even have many programs set up to assist you in doing so.  I have zero tolerance for illegal immigrants. If you start your life in my country as a criminal, why on earth am I supposed to respect that? Let's not hedge our words, if you come to our country as an illegal, you are a criminal. Period.  There's no spin to that, your first action as a resident of the USA was to break the law. First impressions and all, right?

My favorite argument for sympathizers is that "Our agricultural industry depends on all of those illegal workers because we don't have enough people to fill those jobs."

Let's reference this HuffPo article as a general guide to what I'm responding to here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/06/04/agriculture-industry-e-verify-illegal-immigration_n_871391.html



So let me get this straight, we have these jobs that make between min wage and $20/hr. But it's real hard work and only illegals will do it, so we can't get rid of illegals or no one will be able to harvest crops? Where on earth could we find a surplus of unskilled labor?

Your agricultural workforce, problem solved.

Of course there's not much need for tweets, lattes, or whiny angst on the farm. I am baffled that we have a situation where the same "side" that argues for lax immigration enforcement while crying that there are no jobs.  No, you're right, there's no "Here's $50,000 to sit around and "be an individual" jobs available." Let me know when those happen.

I actually had a client that owns a local farm and told me that without illegals, he couldn't keep his farm worked. I just want to be clear that I 100% agree and understand that we really would "shut down" without the illegals. What's sad is that no one sees the problem with that isn't to relax immigration law, but to kick our collective youth in the ass. Stop giving them handouts. Stop giving them grants and free money to go to school for degrees in Art Appreciation so they can put some bizarre form of legitimacy on their play-doh sculptures and feeling sorry for them when no one wants to buy their junk.  I like playing video games, that doesn't mean the taxpayer needs to subsidize my life so that I can quit working and explore my interests, Princess Nancy.

Why can't SHE be in another castle?

Side note:  Yes Princess Nancy. Herman Cain may have apologized for the comment, and in his position as a possible presidential candidate that was the correct thing to do. But let's not pretend for a minute that she's not exactly that.  Princess "We have to pass this bill to see what's in it" Nancy has NEVER known what it is like to have a real job. Princess Nancy has been groomed for her role since childhood. She has no concept of the "real" world other than how to sway votes to keep her seat of power.  Who in their right mind supports this woman? Seriously, I would love to hear a rational argument for why anyone on the planet should take her seriously on any decision.


Let's get this straight America.  Just above I posted a picture of one of the left's most celebrated presidents. John F. Kennedy. Though his presidency was cut short, he is often revered as a shining icon of the democratic party.

"And so, my fellow americans: ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country. My fellow citizens of the world: ask not what America will do for you, but what together we can do for the freedom of man." -JFK


You were fortunate to be born here. When cosmic forces aligned to spit out your existence on American soil, you won the lottery of life. I don't care if you had the most miserable, poorest, hardest life imaginable in the states, you still won the lottery.  Try growing up in India, China, Africa, or any other region that births about 10 times as many kids. The odds of being born American, statistically, are about 1 in 30. It's not the power ball, but there are probably about 20 or those 30 that would give anything to trade with you. Meanwhile, you're going to sit here and bitch to me that life is hard...you know...on facebook? Via text? via email?  Fly your whiny ass to a village in Kenya and tell them about your student loan problems. Tell them about how the mortgage you signed up for knowing you couldn't afford is causing you now to have to live in an apartment or move in with your parents. God, they would LOVE to hear about how living with your mom and dad is tough, they may take a minute to get back to you while they fight with 7 brothers and 4 sisters to find enough food to survive another day.  They would be so upset to hear about your high deductible health plan, you may have to repeat yourself as their constant hacking and wheezing from pertussis will make it tough to follow you though.


Frankly, if you can't make it to the point of being self sustaining in America? Where the hell else can you? 

If you're young and not liberal....

Heartless would hardly be the worst thing I've ever been called. Hell, I've been too old for my age since I was rolling my eyes at Captain Planet for telling me how evil businessmen are.  Obviously Hoggish Greedly knows the only way to profitable corporate growth is to melt down rare rain forest trees using baby dodo birds as kindling.  It's basically econ 101.

Oh I wish that were true though (That as a youth I rolled my eyes at such things, not the whole burning of baby dodos part, the quarterly projections are still out on that one).  I gladly ate my spoon-fed environmentalism like a good boy. Why yes, all business people do want to destroy the environment and kill Native-Americans and poison rivers, it was painfully clear...they even had hideous ugly faces...God if only you would grant ME one of those super powered rings I would gladly fly through Goldman-Sachs offices torching receptionists, sales reps, CEOs and any other mindless cog in the evil machine known as big business.

I want you to think back to your favorite movies as a child.  Be honest with yourself and think about how many had a plot with this formula:

"Big evil company/business(man) seeks to destroy natural park or beauty, evict poor/elderly folks, or animal Golconda."

I can teach you how to shake hands, but only if you teach me how everything about my
way of life is evil and raping the earth, agreed?

Every kids movie we were plopped down to watch reminded us constantly that humans (especially career-minded folks) are evil. They ravage wildlife reserves, they close schools and replace them with mini malls. So why does this all matter?

Often it is the left-minded individual that tells us how the religious right are only that way because they were indoctrinated as a child. They were told from the time they were young and impressionable that God is the answer to everything, they ignore all logic and reason simply to pay homage to the fantastical stories of The Great Flood, Genesis, etc.   I can definitely appreciate that line of thinking, afterall...The Power is Yours.

Hello World

I'm coming.